I’ve said it before: I’m Big on the Pig.
For clarification, I’m sorta forced to be. It’s the closest grocery store to the house. For me, at least, sheer laziness (not having to drive an additional 4 miles to the Kroger) usually wins out over selection, prices, and shopping experience.
So I’m in the checkout line at Piggly Wiggly with a bottle of wine, 3 cans of Fancy Feast cat crack, and a box of Cheerios making their slow ride on the belt in front of me. Apparently, Brad’s gonna stay with Angelina, there’s a new misunderstood Tiger mistress, and Kim Kardashian is willing to share how to shed 20 pounds before Memorial Day.
Everything was as it should have been when you’re at Piggly Wiggly in your t-shirt and sweats with your hair haphazardly swept up in a ponytail. Everything was as expected when you’re silently praying not to run into anyone you know – just get in, get out, make it quick. Everything was as normal until it was my turn at the register.
I was greeted with that free and breezy wide smile only a 17-year-old boy without worry for the Iranian nuclear program, without worry of a mortgage, and without worry about that darkening shoulder mole can muster.
“Wow, ma’am, I’m having a great night! How ’bout you?”
Ma’am!?
It cuts, it burns. Mentally, I’m sucking air through my teeth. I let it pass. I’m in the South, afterall.
“Fine.” Thinking my one-word answer will signal my disinterest in discussing how fabulous the evening is going for him.
My High School Musical cashier carried on by making commentary on each of my items as he ran them across the scanner.
Got a cat, huh? What’s its name? I used to have a cat. Cheerios? Oh, I loooove cereal! My favorite is Lucky Charms though. Or Fruity Pebbles, oh man, I like ‘em both.
He gets to the wine.
“Wine?” He’s holding my bottle in a hand that I’m pretty confident was holding a Nerf ball or X-Box controller probably just hours before. “I hope a pretty lady like you isn’t drinking alone. Are you even old enough to buy this stuff? Am I gonna have to check your ID?”
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Remember that scene in the Sixth Sense when Bruce Willis realized what was really going on? Yeah, that’s exactly how I felt.
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I erupted. He hit a nerve.
“Really, really? This is happening? I’ve become that suburban housewife? Looking forward to the weekly shopping trip hoping for some stockboy to toss a flirty wink my way? Your manager tell you to do this sort of thing?”
The boy gave a quick laugh, “You’re so crazy, ma’am, that’s hilarious!”
Yeah, Zac Efron, freaking hilarious.
I grabbed my bag and left Piggly Wiggly with the cold realization that I was, in fact, that housewife.
{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I loved this post! Boy have I been there…oddly enough at a Pig!
.-= Melissa S.´s last blog ….For Today… =-.
I’m from the North and my first date that my dad ever let me go on alone was with a Southern boy when I spent a summer at my Aunt’s house in Alabama.
We went to the pig. I’ve been hooked since.
I am that housewife too. Only I like the Box o’ Wine…it’s so much more classy!
I’m with the Zac Efron, you are hilarious!
I can’t wait to see Jason’s response.
PS This is only one topic. Is this the way it is supposed to work?
Hilarious! And I think that kid’s brother works at my local Subway. Holy Way Too Much Energy for a Weekday, Batman!
What kind of wine, might I ask? I’ve recently started getting into wine.
.-= Amy´s last blog ….My week off. =-.
Lol! Been there! Not so much here in Pooler, but when we lived in Florida, the only place to shop was WalMart. It was the social meeting place for every family in three counties! We would go thru the store pointing out people we knew from church, from work, band parents or the girl’s friends! lol Couldn’t go through that store without being recognized! lol
.-= Deanna´s last blog ….Monday Already! =-.
Girl – this is hilarious.
I feel you – so many times I am in a bad mood when I go to Starbucks. I go there because I want a “treat” to help me escape the “GRRRR” mood I find myself swimming in.
In the winter, I want a chamomile tea, and in the summer an iced black tea, no water, one pump of sugar.
I want my beverage, and I want to pay, and I want to leave.
I do not want to have a conversation about my day, the goodness or badness of it, and I don’t want color commentary about my mood.
I understand they are chipper and want to connect all super-fantastic-top-of-the-world-customer-service stuff – but DUDE – Super Fabulous customer service means knowing when to hand my tea to me without color commentary!!!!!
So.. in short: I feel you. *fist bump of sister solidarity*
.-= cutesox´s last blog ….Where have you been? Where are you going? =-.
hilarious!!
sometimes I’m up for the commentary of über-chipper grocery store clerks…the other days, I’m really glad they have the self-check lines!!
Melissa – Thx for stopping by! You got me thinking with all this Piggly Wiggly talk, that so many have had an adventure or 2 at The Pig. What’s up with that? Never hear any stories about “Oh, I was at Albertson’s when…”, why is that? Maybe Piggly Wiggly lends itself to the realm of oddity. Or maybe just a bunch of weirdos hang out there. Who knows?
Heather – First date at Piggly Wiggly! That’s awesome – hehe! Btw, a big-o box-o-wine never hurt nobody….
Leslie – I’m kinda goofy sometimes.
Tracey – Jason’s all out of witty comebacks on this one, I suppose. As far as how this works – (with a Jedi hand wave) It’s working as it should.
Amy – I really wish I had some great wine to recommend, but I don’t. I’m typically a beer drinker. I love Shiner. But on occasion, this occasion, I chose wine. When I do drink wine, I prefer a Shiraz. How I pick ‘em? Uhm, embarrassed to say I am a sucker for packaging and go with the coolest looking bottle. Hasn’t steered me wrong yet.
Deanna – I know! I grew up in Houston and with a city that large you never run into anyone you know. But in a town the size of Pooler, you are really pushing your luck thinking you will NOT see someone you know. But I like to live dangerously and leave the house with out make-up quite often – ha!
cutesox – Fist bump right back at you! The baristas are the worst about chit-chat and making me question whether or not I’m hep enough to purchase coffee.
stacy di – Here’s to those self-check lines! But then I’ll have to post about the lady with 900 items ahead of me that seems to have just discovered self-checking and touchscreen computer technology on the same day…